To the hippest of the hip:
Congratulations on your accomplishment. I’m not sure what you have done, but it obviously must be spell binding. Are you helping the famished in Africa by donating all of your possessions to help feed a small village?
Oh…you bought a hoodie? A brightly colored garment from a store that specializes in low quality items over priced for those
willing to pay a lot of money to look 90’s cheap? YOU. ARE. SO. COOL.
I mean, that hoodie says it all. You know more than me about the subcultures of America. You listen to bands before they are cool and then look down upon people who do not spend 90% of their time browsing Myspace for a talent less group your friends have never heard of. Remember
record stores? At least get out of your house and show off how ironic you are by discovering the next big thing via your vinyl collection that consists of one Ratatat album and some Christopher Cross you found at The Salvation army.
Those skinny pants that taper in just the perfect way hitting the top of your hundred dollar sneakers say that you care. When you’re at the local Starbucks or perfectly hip “hole in the wall with THE BEST TEA EVER,” these pants invite the other skinny pants-wearers to a stimulating conversation over the failing economy (no pun intended). What? You’re getting fewer hours at HIPTRENDYSTORE? These are bad times. I can’t believe this is happening to our
generation. Wait, the rest of the world has been suffering without distressed $25 v-necks for generations? Next you’re going to say they can’t afford hula hoops.
If you spent less time concentrating on all of this STUFF that makes you so obscure and focused on a real trade, you may actually one day function in society. And no, smoking pot and sketching your friends will get you no where. You parents will be proud to shift their thirty thousand dollars being spent on your art school on a real university where you learn how to support yourself. It’s fun not relying on mommy and daddy!!
Just a reminder, stealing from other generations does not make you an innovator. No, Miss, you did not come up with the owl necklace trend. Stop shooting smug looks at girls you are convinced are copying you. Maybe if you did something truly original, you’d have something to be proud of. (May I suggest killing yourself? Sure, it’s been done, but it’s highly underrated!)
You’re about as useful as the space program. You’re all hype, pumped with money spent on useless matter that will some day decay with the rest of you. Your collection of French sh
ort films so horribly composed they aren’t even recognized by anyone legitimate in the industry.
Here’s a quick lesson in math and world economics for you, Hipster McFuckyourself. Your hoodie cost roughly $42. Your two v-necks you layer for color contrast and who else knows cost you $22 each. Your skinny jeans run about $70, and let us not forget those impressive sneakers you spent $110 on. Ad on a few accessories for around $30. You are now rolling in an outfit a pack of cigarettes short of $300. AND THIS IS JUST YOUR CASUAL WEAR. Oh, when a hipster girl dresses up for a party, Mastercard shits a rainbow of excitement for her parents’ interest rate!
The money you have spent to look like you don’t care about anything or anyone but the “important stuff” could feed a small tribe in a third world country for a week. Rice is cheap, much like your fair weather heart. You spend thousands of dollars keeping an appearance. You wanna know what looks good? Charitable measures. There’s a trend your friends haven’t caught onto yet? Why don’t you start it?!
When you’re in your thirties, these people you are trying to impress won’t mean a thing. So why care so much now? You look like an asshole.
