Get some soul

Dear, well...anyone with a beating heart.

After weeks of a heavier set of subjects, I'm going to share something that truly gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes.

Forget the politics of life and just enjoy something nice. Set aside your need for "high art" or "being ahead of the times" and remember what compassion really is.

If nothing else, Grandpa Elliot will make you smile.




Never forget the beauty of street performers.

Suck it

I've had my first brush with recognition. 

Too bad I will never want to do photography for anything more than a hobby/favors.

Congrats to my friends Making Movies and myself for making it to the front page of myspace.

I need some intelligent input, people.

I tend to spend a lot of my free time watching and reading the news. I try to keep away from the biased networks and focus on the facts.

This is for you America:
STOP LISTENING to the stories that have no intellectual value.
It's obvious how I feel about religion, and it should not come as a shock to you that I think religion has no place in governmental practices. I don't believe in organized prayer in school, I support gay rights, and I am pro-choice. This does not make me a "terrorist" or a "crack head."

AND WHO'S TO SAY THAT I LACK WHOLESOME VALUES BECAUSE OF MY GODLESS LIFESTYLE.

This goes both ways, Jessabelle.
I know this. I do not think that all religious followers are brainwashed. I do not consider "the right" to be a group of bible thumping Nazis. I do not demean your way of life.

I would just like to say that this accusatory bull from extremists in the media is so misinformed it's disturbing.


Al Gore is apparently making crazy German women jump into polar bear exhibits.



People actually believe this?



And...of course, the homosexuals are brainwashing America.
That's right. I can not think of any other group or organization that has had a significant amount of control over the minds of a society.
No one...NO ONE but the homosexuals have done this...because they are terrorist crack heads attacking wholesome values.

Oh, some days I'm quite ashamed that people so ignorant and so mislead call themselves American.

I wish the best for you, I really do.
Read some real literature and a newspaper for once.

Sincerely Red White and Blue,
Dirty-Terrorist-Hag-Jessabelle.

Wait, what?

Dear Easter:

The story of Zombie Jesus is great!
I'm just glad a huge chunk of the world celebrates this joyous occasion of the living dead with bunnies and candy and eggs??

Dude, J.K. Rowling needs to write a Bible...it's right up her alley.

And whilst I devalue your holiday as much as I can...............


My collection.


Zombie JESUS!


Keith!


Hand print.

I love Zombilicious Holidays!

OhManOhManatee

Lamin' it up on YouTube.

Sure.

I’m in the middle of piling up all of my own personal opinions (but of course!) and facts to write an invigorating hate letter to women.
Until then….
I’m gonna be shallow!!

For 2009, I’ve been taking a sabbatical from the opposite sex. No, this doesn’t mean I’m the newest member of the ILOVEVAGFOREVERCLUB!
Just…relaxing.
Isn’t it crazy how I can be perfectly content being independent.
SHIT, man.

So…
Dear my mister far, far into the future:

I want you to…

Be knowledgeable about Foreigner songs and sing them dramatically with me whenever I feel like it.
Have a western shirt collection comparable to my compilation of cardigans.
Think Megan Fox looks like she smells like a used pair of gloves at an abortion clinic.
Match up to/challenge my cynicism.
Have the ability to maintain a moderate amount of facial scruff.
Care a bit more about quality than obscurity.
Disregard the “hipster gangsta” trend completely.
Have no problem looking classy once in a while.
Be a fan of art but understand that 99% of art is meaningless crap.
Prefer movie night over dance parties and bar hopping.
Debate with me.
Understand that “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun” is the infamous drum breakdown in In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins.
Own at least three non-comical ties.
Never have owned a Metallica album.
Be at least six feet tall.
NOT have a crush on any of my female friends.
Have semi curly hair?
Have no problem with my intelligence level.
Make fun of people who flaunt their originality by using STUFF that other people have made to achieve such image.
Pee outside on command.
Take me on people watching and hiking dates.
Read in bed.
Give me space.
Exist.

Or just be this man.

Dear God....almost literally.

(Any person who is well educated and civilly follows their religion fully sensitive that their beliefs are not the only values in the world, receive my utmost respect.  I do not believe anyone should judge you. Carry out your freedom of speech however you would like. No one should prevent you from doing this…EVER.)

To my misinformed internetvangelists-

YOU are the people I have a predicament with.  Yes, I am an extremely outspoken agnostic, but I am well versed with several of the worlds’ religions. I have enough respect and intelligence toward this subject to feel so strongly.  

Plugging in a Bible verse everyday on your Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Icutmyselfforjesus.com, or whatever social networking site plays to your fancy is fine, but it doesn’t get you any closer to heaven than one who chooses to not take their “how are you feeling/what are you thinking” slots so seriously.

Yeah…the same person who status is  “So and so just totally farted on his roommate’s rice!” is just as safe in the “eyes of the lord” as “What’s her Face: Matthew 4:19   He said to them, ‘Come after me, and I will make you fishers for men.’" (I gave What’s her Face the benefit of the doubt and made her good at punctuation)

Just as much as God doesn’t give a shit about what your status says, he also doesn’t fucking care about your hoodwinked groups like, “Obama hates white people and kills babies because he’s muslim!”

A. Obama’s not Muslim.

B. The majority of Muslims do not have the death of WASPs on their agenda.

C. This includes baby WASPS.  (BWASPS?)

D. “Muslim” is a proper noun and should be capitalized. Third grade grammar mistakes get you no where.

I can make a witty list devaluing every slapdash attempt at bringing the masses to “His side,” but, I’d rather sleep tonight.

I would like to say this: Democrats are not baby killers and Satan Worshipers.  Our president is not forcing all doctors to perform abortions because he’s a scary brown man (and we all know Jesus wasn’t brown…wait…) The gays are not an army of sinners out to get your family. YOU ARE NOT VICTIMIZED BY EVERY OTHER RELIGION IN THE WORLD. Feel free to speak your mind, but in lieu of a backlash, be intelligent about what you say on your soap box.

Go masturbate to Dr. Laura and pray to never become a homosexual. That’s the right thing to do.

I promise this won’t be the end of this discussion…

Write back soon,

Jessabelle!

*************************************************************************************

The internet is the new frontier for spreading ignorance.

This letter, to Dr. Laura beautifully mocks the illogical manners of picking and choosing from the Bible due to many contradictions.  

“Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

James: I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.”