Dear God....almost literally.

(Any person who is well educated and civilly follows their religion fully sensitive that their beliefs are not the only values in the world, receive my utmost respect.  I do not believe anyone should judge you. Carry out your freedom of speech however you would like. No one should prevent you from doing this…EVER.)

To my misinformed internetvangelists-

YOU are the people I have a predicament with.  Yes, I am an extremely outspoken agnostic, but I am well versed with several of the worlds’ religions. I have enough respect and intelligence toward this subject to feel so strongly.  

Plugging in a Bible verse everyday on your Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Icutmyselfforjesus.com, or whatever social networking site plays to your fancy is fine, but it doesn’t get you any closer to heaven than one who chooses to not take their “how are you feeling/what are you thinking” slots so seriously.

Yeah…the same person who status is  “So and so just totally farted on his roommate’s rice!” is just as safe in the “eyes of the lord” as “What’s her Face: Matthew 4:19   He said to them, ‘Come after me, and I will make you fishers for men.’" (I gave What’s her Face the benefit of the doubt and made her good at punctuation)

Just as much as God doesn’t give a shit about what your status says, he also doesn’t fucking care about your hoodwinked groups like, “Obama hates white people and kills babies because he’s muslim!”

A. Obama’s not Muslim.

B. The majority of Muslims do not have the death of WASPs on their agenda.

C. This includes baby WASPS.  (BWASPS?)

D. “Muslim” is a proper noun and should be capitalized. Third grade grammar mistakes get you no where.

I can make a witty list devaluing every slapdash attempt at bringing the masses to “His side,” but, I’d rather sleep tonight.

I would like to say this: Democrats are not baby killers and Satan Worshipers.  Our president is not forcing all doctors to perform abortions because he’s a scary brown man (and we all know Jesus wasn’t brown…wait…) The gays are not an army of sinners out to get your family. YOU ARE NOT VICTIMIZED BY EVERY OTHER RELIGION IN THE WORLD. Feel free to speak your mind, but in lieu of a backlash, be intelligent about what you say on your soap box.

Go masturbate to Dr. Laura and pray to never become a homosexual. That’s the right thing to do.

I promise this won’t be the end of this discussion…

Write back soon,

Jessabelle!

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The internet is the new frontier for spreading ignorance.

This letter, to Dr. Laura beautifully mocks the illogical manners of picking and choosing from the Bible due to many contradictions.  

“Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

James: I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.”

To

Dear Jessabelle:
You wrote something to your peers a few weeks ago, and for the sake of your words never meaning anything someday, I DARE you to spread the word.

I have developed a new ostensibly irrelevant ritual. Once or twice a week, sometimes more, I have been conditioning myself to enduring a bath of the hottest water. When I start each soak, I turn the blue knob a little less. I used to be a fan of the familiarly warm. Now I will not stand anything less than the uncomfortably hot.

It has been roughly three months since this began. I can not say I only use this as a relaxation method. Maybe I enjoy the diminutive amount of isolation and the chance to control my body’s tolerance for once. I choose to be naked, shrinking in a dark room, smothered by the tranquil heat.

THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE I MAKE IT HAPPEN...

Cut the water. Replace with life. LIFE. Bask in your perceptions until your skin withers. There is no difference between crossing the line of what is secure and only accepting the lukewarm. Familiarity is a cop out birthed by fear. Stop telling yourself “everything happens for a reason.” You are setting yourself up for the supreme disappointment brought to you by expectancy. What is the use of letting your life live you when you should be living YOUR life?

WAITING AROUND FOR FATE IS TIRING.

You never bleed, sleep, cry, or meet a stranger to build up to a more prominent event in your life. Coincidences only exist because a human elects to act upon impulses. We are cutting ourselves short by giving the credit of our exploits to the abstract element of providence. We are throwing away precious moments of our lives on meaningless chatter to rationalize our actions.

You go in to every decision fully aware of the consequence. Playing the innocent is getting old. We are getting old, and our excuses are most certainly getting old. Do not lie, cheat, steal, and demean a person, only to victimize your own self when you are no longer the center of the universe. The only lesson you have to learn is to be responsible for yourself because no one else should be required to. Again, stop telling yourself everything happens for a reason, and you will be pleased by your own independence.

Being a noble person involves acceptance. Put your “heart” in front of your ideals. Stop fighting your battles with a book or a set of beliefs you know not everyone shares. Stop living by assumptions and refusing to see the other side of situations. Your stubbornness will always hurt you the most. Stop letting the ideals of a media you have nothing to do with control the perception of beauty and morals. The mirror will never reflect the actual person who looks into it.

DON’T BE FAKE.

Being uncomfortable is beneficial to the advancement of our society. A dental hygienist is an easy way out, but will never make history. Mediocrity is about as useful as Marilyn Monroe. Appealing and easy, but horribly overrated and ineffective. Clichés will get you get no where, and sadly, most of the human race is not going to achieve any sort of the “American Dream” by believing such. Then again, this American stereotype we are all attempting to attain is the ultimate cliché.

EVENTUALLY, THE WATER BECOMES COLD.

Nature happens. The bath will end, just as the cycle of human life will conclude. How, where, why, and with whom you pass is your choice. You set yourself up for each moment of your life. This will all take place because of the sequence of choices, not to teach anyone but yourself a lesson. Stop being selfish. A person does not pass for your own benefit. They pass because man is mortal. Mourn a loss and stop lying to yourself.

Go. Start a new ritual. Become a better person. Stop living a life of trite bullshit. Someday you will decay, but your words and actions can be preserved if you set yourself up for something more than ordinary.
__________________________________________________________________

Hallam Foe is my new love.
I love nothing more than the love stories a taboo would be embarrassed of.

A nice message to some great people...

Dear Maria Bamford, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Ian Black, Tim and Eric, Bill Maher, Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan, Demitri Martin, Jen Kirkman, and J.D. Ryznar...

Thank you for being so fucking hilarious.

If you enjoy my  negative rants, I apologize for leaving you hanging this evening.  Tonight, your laughs are brought to you by these comtemporary geniuses.