Get some soul

Dear, well...anyone with a beating heart.

After weeks of a heavier set of subjects, I'm going to share something that truly gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes.

Forget the politics of life and just enjoy something nice. Set aside your need for "high art" or "being ahead of the times" and remember what compassion really is.

If nothing else, Grandpa Elliot will make you smile.




Never forget the beauty of street performers.

Suck it

I've had my first brush with recognition. 

Too bad I will never want to do photography for anything more than a hobby/favors.

Congrats to my friends Making Movies and myself for making it to the front page of myspace.

I need some intelligent input, people.

I tend to spend a lot of my free time watching and reading the news. I try to keep away from the biased networks and focus on the facts.

This is for you America:
STOP LISTENING to the stories that have no intellectual value.
It's obvious how I feel about religion, and it should not come as a shock to you that I think religion has no place in governmental practices. I don't believe in organized prayer in school, I support gay rights, and I am pro-choice. This does not make me a "terrorist" or a "crack head."

AND WHO'S TO SAY THAT I LACK WHOLESOME VALUES BECAUSE OF MY GODLESS LIFESTYLE.

This goes both ways, Jessabelle.
I know this. I do not think that all religious followers are brainwashed. I do not consider "the right" to be a group of bible thumping Nazis. I do not demean your way of life.

I would just like to say that this accusatory bull from extremists in the media is so misinformed it's disturbing.


Al Gore is apparently making crazy German women jump into polar bear exhibits.



People actually believe this?



And...of course, the homosexuals are brainwashing America.
That's right. I can not think of any other group or organization that has had a significant amount of control over the minds of a society.
No one...NO ONE but the homosexuals have done this...because they are terrorist crack heads attacking wholesome values.

Oh, some days I'm quite ashamed that people so ignorant and so mislead call themselves American.

I wish the best for you, I really do.
Read some real literature and a newspaper for once.

Sincerely Red White and Blue,
Dirty-Terrorist-Hag-Jessabelle.

Wait, what?

Dear Easter:

The story of Zombie Jesus is great!
I'm just glad a huge chunk of the world celebrates this joyous occasion of the living dead with bunnies and candy and eggs??

Dude, J.K. Rowling needs to write a Bible...it's right up her alley.

And whilst I devalue your holiday as much as I can...............


My collection.


Zombie JESUS!


Keith!


Hand print.

I love Zombilicious Holidays!

OhManOhManatee

Lamin' it up on YouTube.

Sure.

I’m in the middle of piling up all of my own personal opinions (but of course!) and facts to write an invigorating hate letter to women.
Until then….
I’m gonna be shallow!!

For 2009, I’ve been taking a sabbatical from the opposite sex. No, this doesn’t mean I’m the newest member of the ILOVEVAGFOREVERCLUB!
Just…relaxing.
Isn’t it crazy how I can be perfectly content being independent.
SHIT, man.

So…
Dear my mister far, far into the future:

I want you to…

Be knowledgeable about Foreigner songs and sing them dramatically with me whenever I feel like it.
Have a western shirt collection comparable to my compilation of cardigans.
Think Megan Fox looks like she smells like a used pair of gloves at an abortion clinic.
Match up to/challenge my cynicism.
Have the ability to maintain a moderate amount of facial scruff.
Care a bit more about quality than obscurity.
Disregard the “hipster gangsta” trend completely.
Have no problem looking classy once in a while.
Be a fan of art but understand that 99% of art is meaningless crap.
Prefer movie night over dance parties and bar hopping.
Debate with me.
Understand that “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun” is the infamous drum breakdown in In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins.
Own at least three non-comical ties.
Never have owned a Metallica album.
Be at least six feet tall.
NOT have a crush on any of my female friends.
Have semi curly hair?
Have no problem with my intelligence level.
Make fun of people who flaunt their originality by using STUFF that other people have made to achieve such image.
Pee outside on command.
Take me on people watching and hiking dates.
Read in bed.
Give me space.
Exist.

Or just be this man.

Dear God....almost literally.

(Any person who is well educated and civilly follows their religion fully sensitive that their beliefs are not the only values in the world, receive my utmost respect.  I do not believe anyone should judge you. Carry out your freedom of speech however you would like. No one should prevent you from doing this…EVER.)

To my misinformed internetvangelists-

YOU are the people I have a predicament with.  Yes, I am an extremely outspoken agnostic, but I am well versed with several of the worlds’ religions. I have enough respect and intelligence toward this subject to feel so strongly.  

Plugging in a Bible verse everyday on your Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, Icutmyselfforjesus.com, or whatever social networking site plays to your fancy is fine, but it doesn’t get you any closer to heaven than one who chooses to not take their “how are you feeling/what are you thinking” slots so seriously.

Yeah…the same person who status is  “So and so just totally farted on his roommate’s rice!” is just as safe in the “eyes of the lord” as “What’s her Face: Matthew 4:19   He said to them, ‘Come after me, and I will make you fishers for men.’" (I gave What’s her Face the benefit of the doubt and made her good at punctuation)

Just as much as God doesn’t give a shit about what your status says, he also doesn’t fucking care about your hoodwinked groups like, “Obama hates white people and kills babies because he’s muslim!”

A. Obama’s not Muslim.

B. The majority of Muslims do not have the death of WASPs on their agenda.

C. This includes baby WASPS.  (BWASPS?)

D. “Muslim” is a proper noun and should be capitalized. Third grade grammar mistakes get you no where.

I can make a witty list devaluing every slapdash attempt at bringing the masses to “His side,” but, I’d rather sleep tonight.

I would like to say this: Democrats are not baby killers and Satan Worshipers.  Our president is not forcing all doctors to perform abortions because he’s a scary brown man (and we all know Jesus wasn’t brown…wait…) The gays are not an army of sinners out to get your family. YOU ARE NOT VICTIMIZED BY EVERY OTHER RELIGION IN THE WORLD. Feel free to speak your mind, but in lieu of a backlash, be intelligent about what you say on your soap box.

Go masturbate to Dr. Laura and pray to never become a homosexual. That’s the right thing to do.

I promise this won’t be the end of this discussion…

Write back soon,

Jessabelle!

*************************************************************************************

The internet is the new frontier for spreading ignorance.

This letter, to Dr. Laura beautifully mocks the illogical manners of picking and choosing from the Bible due to many contradictions.  

“Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

James: I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.”

To

Dear Jessabelle:
You wrote something to your peers a few weeks ago, and for the sake of your words never meaning anything someday, I DARE you to spread the word.

I have developed a new ostensibly irrelevant ritual. Once or twice a week, sometimes more, I have been conditioning myself to enduring a bath of the hottest water. When I start each soak, I turn the blue knob a little less. I used to be a fan of the familiarly warm. Now I will not stand anything less than the uncomfortably hot.

It has been roughly three months since this began. I can not say I only use this as a relaxation method. Maybe I enjoy the diminutive amount of isolation and the chance to control my body’s tolerance for once. I choose to be naked, shrinking in a dark room, smothered by the tranquil heat.

THIS HAPPENS BECAUSE I MAKE IT HAPPEN...

Cut the water. Replace with life. LIFE. Bask in your perceptions until your skin withers. There is no difference between crossing the line of what is secure and only accepting the lukewarm. Familiarity is a cop out birthed by fear. Stop telling yourself “everything happens for a reason.” You are setting yourself up for the supreme disappointment brought to you by expectancy. What is the use of letting your life live you when you should be living YOUR life?

WAITING AROUND FOR FATE IS TIRING.

You never bleed, sleep, cry, or meet a stranger to build up to a more prominent event in your life. Coincidences only exist because a human elects to act upon impulses. We are cutting ourselves short by giving the credit of our exploits to the abstract element of providence. We are throwing away precious moments of our lives on meaningless chatter to rationalize our actions.

You go in to every decision fully aware of the consequence. Playing the innocent is getting old. We are getting old, and our excuses are most certainly getting old. Do not lie, cheat, steal, and demean a person, only to victimize your own self when you are no longer the center of the universe. The only lesson you have to learn is to be responsible for yourself because no one else should be required to. Again, stop telling yourself everything happens for a reason, and you will be pleased by your own independence.

Being a noble person involves acceptance. Put your “heart” in front of your ideals. Stop fighting your battles with a book or a set of beliefs you know not everyone shares. Stop living by assumptions and refusing to see the other side of situations. Your stubbornness will always hurt you the most. Stop letting the ideals of a media you have nothing to do with control the perception of beauty and morals. The mirror will never reflect the actual person who looks into it.

DON’T BE FAKE.

Being uncomfortable is beneficial to the advancement of our society. A dental hygienist is an easy way out, but will never make history. Mediocrity is about as useful as Marilyn Monroe. Appealing and easy, but horribly overrated and ineffective. Clichés will get you get no where, and sadly, most of the human race is not going to achieve any sort of the “American Dream” by believing such. Then again, this American stereotype we are all attempting to attain is the ultimate cliché.

EVENTUALLY, THE WATER BECOMES COLD.

Nature happens. The bath will end, just as the cycle of human life will conclude. How, where, why, and with whom you pass is your choice. You set yourself up for each moment of your life. This will all take place because of the sequence of choices, not to teach anyone but yourself a lesson. Stop being selfish. A person does not pass for your own benefit. They pass because man is mortal. Mourn a loss and stop lying to yourself.

Go. Start a new ritual. Become a better person. Stop living a life of trite bullshit. Someday you will decay, but your words and actions can be preserved if you set yourself up for something more than ordinary.
__________________________________________________________________

Hallam Foe is my new love.
I love nothing more than the love stories a taboo would be embarrassed of.

A nice message to some great people...

Dear Maria Bamford, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Ian Black, Tim and Eric, Bill Maher, Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan, Demitri Martin, Jen Kirkman, and J.D. Ryznar...

Thank you for being so fucking hilarious.

If you enjoy my  negative rants, I apologize for leaving you hanging this evening.  Tonight, your laughs are brought to you by these comtemporary geniuses.  

Day one.

I don't feel like indulging in an angst fueled "Dear John" today.

My lap top...the fundamental file cabinet of my life was wiped clean today of everything.

Thousands upon thousands of photos from my college years, 12,000+ songs I called my soundtrack, and hundreds of my short stories and essays are gone.  Forever.

I feel like I have died.

This reliance on technology is eating away at me.  Maybe this is a blessing, but damn it...I don't believe in blessings!

So.  Today.  I.  Start.  Over.

For the Cool Kids

To the hippest of the hip:

Congratulations on your accomplishment.  I’m not sure what you have done, but it obviously must be spell binding.  Are you helping the famished in Africa by donating all of your possessions to help feed a small village?  

Oh…you bought a hoodie?  A brightly colored garment from a store that specializes in low quality items over priced for those

 willing to pay a lot of money to look 90’s cheap?  YOU.  ARE.  SO.  COOL.

I mean, that hoodie says it all.  You know more than me about the subcultures of America.  You listen to bands before they are cool and then look down upon people who do not spend 90% of their time browsing Myspace for a talent less group your friends have never heard of.  Remember 

record stores?  At least get out of your house and show off how ironic you are by discovering the next big thing via your vinyl collection that consists of one Ratatat album and some Christopher Cross you found at The Salvation army.

Those skinny pants that taper in just the perfect way hitting the top of your hundred dollar sneakers say that you care.  When you’re at the local Starbucks or perfectly hip “hole in the wall with THE BEST TEA EVER,” these pants invite the other skinny pants-wearers to a stimulating conversation over the failing economy (no pun intended).  What?  You’re getting fewer hours at HIPTRENDYSTORE?  These are bad times.  I can’t believe this is happening to our

 generation.  Wait, the rest of the world has been suffering without distressed $25 v-necks for generations?  Next you’re going to say they can’t afford hula hoops.  

If you spent less time concentrating on all of this STUFF that makes you so obscure and focused on a real trade, you may actually one day function in society.  And no, smoking pot and sketching your friends will get you no where.  You parents will be proud to shift their thirty thousand dollars being spent on your art school on a real university where you learn how to support yourself.  It’s fun not relying on mommy and daddy!!

Just a reminder, stealing from other generations does not make you an innovator.  No, Miss, you did not come up with the owl necklace trend.  Stop shooting smug looks at girls you are convinced are copying you.  Maybe if you did something truly original, you’d have something to be proud of.  (May I suggest killing yourself?  Sure, it’s been done, but it’s highly underrated!)

You’re about as useful as the space program.  You’re all hype, pumped with money spent on useless matter that will some day decay with the rest of you.  Your collection of French sh

ort films so horribly composed they aren’t even recognized by anyone legitimate in the industry.

Here’s a quick lesson in math and world economics for you, Hipster McFuckyourself.  Your hoodie cost roughly $42.  Your two v-necks you layer for color contrast and who else knows cost you $22 each.  Your skinny jeans run about $70, and let us not forget those impressive sneakers you spent $110 on.  Ad on a few accessories for around $30.  You are now rolling in an outfit a pack of cigarettes short of $300.  AND THIS IS JUST YOUR CASUAL WEAR.  Oh, when a hipster girl dresses up for a party, Mastercard shits a  rainbow of excitement for her parents’ interest rate!

The money you have spent to look like you don’t care about anything or anyone but the “important stuff” could feed a small tribe in a third world country for a week.  Rice is cheap, much like your fair weather heart.  You spend thousands of dollars keeping an appearance.  You wanna know what looks good?  Charitable measures.  There’s a trend your friends haven’t caught onto yet?  Why don’t you start it?!

When you’re in your thirties, these people you are trying to impress won’t mean a thing.  So why care so much now?  You look like an asshole.

Oh, Oh Lawrence

Lawrence, Kansas:

  Someone should write a love song for you.  I’m calling for a little ditty of adventurous affection, pride, loss, and homoerotic sexual tension.  Wait, I’m sure every one of those facets are somehow hidden within KU’s fight song.

OH SICK BURN.

Honestly, I like you, Lawrence.  Yesterday, you graciously opened your arms for Erik and I to exploit the very core of your insides: The University and Massachusetts Street.  

I gotta say one thing to you, though, Lawrence, KU’s campus is preposterously perplexing!  I’m trying to accept our relationship, but you have to realize this is not a one sided ordeal.  I can not keep visiting you with the intentions to someday wholly understand you.  You must make all parts of you easy to get around.  This is called compromise, and adults do it in healthy relationships.

This was just a tiny bump in our day together.  

I thoroughly enjoyed watching a handful of terrible actors fighting for one common goal.  I however, pretended they were all struggling to see who the worst act could be, it made for a much more interesting situation.  

If anyone mentions three exceptionally gregarious souls on Massachusetts street, I was part of them, Lawrence.

Just let your employees at Urban Outfitters know that no matter what, they work in retail in a college town.  Tell em’ they aren’t in any way more exclusive than the next fabricated hipster, so do their fucking jobs and stop snubbing their customers.

Let em’ know, L, that Jessabelle used to work at Urban Outfitters and never found that undeserved sense of entitlement that these people held.

Just another little jar, I promise.

We can get through this too, if we want to.

I really felt something when you let Erik and I discover uncharted parts of town while reaching a moment of absolute and euphoric stoney-ness.  However, driving in you is very mind blowing at this juncture of the mind.  So again, thank you for letting me park on Mass Street for about an hour completely gusting my mind.  My intentions were to find a bench and relax, or a desk.  (A desk?  Really?)  But sitting in the car with the meter running was so much easier.  You have no idea what waved through my body as I watched your citizens amble back and forth exploring your most popular street.

ANDTHENABUNCHOFASIANSFUCKEDITALLUP.

Lawrence, as I analyze this, this THING we have together, I realize this is a very love-hate situation.

I’ll probably see you soon, only next time I will be under the influence of too many drinks.

                                                                    Keep it going and remember me,

Jessabelle Penelope

The Birth of Dear John

My new remedy for mental health consists of a daily dose of angst-ridden-letter-writing.

You've been warned.

Dear Bloggers,

The only person that ever finds what you have to say interesting IS YOU.

Great, you write a blog about what you do from day to day.  Who the fuck cares that you woke up two minutes after your alarm clock, but your stay was still as monotonous and pathetic as it has always been?!

NOT I, MY FRIEND.

Your baby is cute, but come on, nobody wants to waste their time reading about the shitting patterns, styles, consistencies, and colors of what is coming over of your new little ball of fun with a trendy name's ass.  "Oh look, little Jaden or Braden or Rollerskaden crapped up his strained bullshit and I'm going to rub it in my face.  Or maybe I should, because it's the only substance that will ever come this close to my brain!!"

Guess what?  Anime isn't great enough to dedicate an hour of your time every day constructing a fantasy life about yourself with  pictures you stole from another manga-slut.  Do you know why you do this?  YOU'RE FAT.  If you spent that hour running around in circles in your bedroom everyday, you'd lose some of that body mass, where I assume you store all of that insignificant knowledge of Crapanese culture.  Wow, now that you look socially acceptable, try meeting someone.  Wow, real life is more fun than fantasy!  Who would have thought!!

I know the irony of the situation is that I currently am scripting the first entry in my new blog, but I am entering this situation fully aware that nothing I say will ever capture the heart and soul of the internet community.  I will write about things that won't interest you, possibly because you will refuse to see yourself within my words.  

"Oh, Jessabelle.  You write letters to groups of people that IN YOUR OPINION deserve the words you say.  Not everyone believes that.  You are so one sided.  Why don't you learn to accept people for who they are, I mean, you're different."

I say, "You simply do not understand, then.  If you take me seriously, you deserve what I say about you."

So remember, you are not captivating.

Love,

Jessabelle Penelope

I promise I can be intelligent, eloquently spoken, and caring.